Nurturing Children The Soft Way

Changing times bring about changes in attitudes and views. Things which were considered taboos in the past are no longer considered so now. Similarly, things which were once considered acceptable may not be so today. Therefore we have to change the way we handle certain situations. I am not going to write about homosexuality but rather on something which is very close to many of us: nurturing children.

What sparked my interest in writing about this was a conversation I had with a senior a couple of days ago. He has a 16-year old child who just obtained his report card. His wife was horrified to see so many red marks that if put at a distance, might give the impression the card was on fire. She wasted no time in seeing his teachers who promptly suggested that his pocket money was reduced. She also spoke to many friends who told her to do the same thing. Of course, my senior was not spared and he promised to tell her his ideas after thinking about it.

As I was beside him when his wife called, I naturally became the first person he sought advice from. Although he was fine with the suggestion to reduce his son’s pocket money, he wasn’t sure if it may work on his son. I agreed with his concerns. Children nowadays, particularly those above 15-year old are different from those in the past. While those in the past were fully aware of their mistakes and hence, willingly accepted their punishments, children nowadays dislike hard-handed approaches, equating them as non-understanding and means of stifling their freedom. As such, these approaches may not yield significant results and worse still, may turn them from bad to worse.

I thought a more appropriate approach would be to engage him in a constructive conversation. Tell him that although many people have suggested hard-handed approaches, you don’t think it is appropriate since you treat him as an adult. Try to find out the causes of his bad performance. If it is because of certain parental actions which he doesn’t quite understand, explain to him the reasons behind them and apologize if necessary. Next, get him to say what his plans are moving forward. Do your best to expand those simple and vague plans to more concrete ones. For example, if he says he will study hard, ask him how he will intend to do that. The main idea is to get him to realize his own mistakes, feel guilty about them and hence act to rectify them.

The time when children were obedient to the point of carrying out all your wishes, even though they were wrong had long passed. As a teacher-friend of mine once said: “In the past, we introduced ourselves as educators, as teachers. Nowadays, we introduce ourselves as facilitators.”